Love and Loss
Grief Recovery Guidance
UPDATED: January 25, 2026
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I recently lost a loved one to Alzheimer’s disease. While still physically alive, her mind, and our emotional connection along with it, disintegrated over the course of a year. I’ve been grieving that loss, so this article is very personal.
Grief is a universal human experience. I hope that what I present here will help people acknowledge their losses, grieve them more effectively, and become more comfortable around those who are grieving, so they can offer them consolation and caring.
Attachment vs. Love
Romantic love is much like a state of temporary insanity. Differentiated love involves holding onto one’s independent selfhood while still being part of a mutually supportive couplehood. In stark contrast, an emotionally fused attachment is often self-serving and driven by a desire for security, comfort, or approval. Boundaries are not respected, and power struggles over control of the relationhip are common.
Attachment is about wanting the other person to fulfill our egoistic needs and make us happy. Sometimes, that will be at the expense of their happiness and wellbeing. Children and narcissists don’t care if it is. An unhealthy adult attachment can involve emotional co-dependency. It will often employ manipulation or coercion of the other person to get what we want.
Mature, differentiated love focuses upon the happiness and wellbeing of both people, dynamically balancing intimacy and autonomy. It ensures that each person’s needs are met, but not at the other person’s expense. Truly loving someone fosters their growth, independence, and sense of freedom, as well as our own. Although it may appear selfless, an adult-adult, inter-dependent emotional relationship is mutually supportive and comes with legitimate expectations of reciprocity.
The Importance of Love
Poets have waxed eloquently about the subject, and scientists have studied it, but to a great extent it still remains a mystery. What we call “love” can run the gamut from diagnosable pathological states to truly selfless altruism. The most precise definition is, “a zero score in a tennis match.” Then, there’s that famous monologue from the 1977 Woody Allen film, Annie Hall:
I thought of that old joke. This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well, why don’t you turn him in?’ And the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd and . . . but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.
Eden Ahbez, composer of the song, Nature Boy, lived a simple life, far from fame and fortune. His journey, from homelessness in Los Angeles to his discovery by Nat King Cole, is a captivating tale of serendipity. The song’s popularity soared after it was sung by David Bowie for the sound track of the 2001 motion picture, Moulin Rouge! The most memorable line from the song:
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn,
Is just to love, and be loved in return.”
There’s a lot more I’ve left unsaid on the subject of love and relationships, but I’ll leave you with this parting thought: If you’re going to embark upon a love-based relationship, please do your best to make it a healthy one:
The Pain of Loss Equals the Pleasure of Love
Love and loss are tightly interwoven in the fabric of the human experience. To love is to risk loss and the inevitable pain that will result. When a deep emotional bond between two people is broken, whether as a result of death, dementia, physical separation, or estrangement, the heartache experienced can feel unbearable. In some cases, it can be fatal.
A literary scholar and Anglican lay theologian, C.S. Lewis wrestled with his faith and challenged his own long-held religious beliefs when faced with the immense emotional pain of losing his spouse. His writings about love and loss, particularly in his memoir, A Grief Observed, are known for their raw honesty about one’s vulnerability to loss being the price that’s paid for loving someone deeply.
After the death of his beloved wife, Joy Davidman, Lewis offered a profoundly human perspective on grief, famously stating, “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” He argued that to love something, be it a person, a pet, a hobby, a home, or a way of life, is to open our heart to the possibility of it being broken. Someone who is unwilling to accept the risk of loss will only exist in the shadowlands between pain and joy, and never experience life fully.
Lewis contrasts this risk with an attempt to avoid pain by not loving at all, which he says leads to a far worse outcome: a heart that is not broken, but instead becomes “unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” For Lewis, the risk of loss is the essential price of love, and the pain of grief is a testament to the value of what was experienced.
The 1993 British film, Shadowlands, dramatizes the life story of Lewis (played by Anthony Hopkins) and Davidman (played by Debra Winger). In the film, Lewis has a poignant conversation with his stepson, Douglas, about our human condition and the nature of grief.
After his mother’s death, Douglas asks Lewis why he should ever love anyone, if losing them hurts so much. Lewis, who is struggling with his immense pain, responds with one of the most memorable and heart-wrenching lines in the film:
“Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore. Only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice, as a boy, and as a man. The boy chose safety. The man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.”
This powerful sentiment point to the fact that the pain of loss is not a separate, unbearable torment, but rather an inseparable part of the exultation that comes from unhesitatingly loving someone. To experience that degree of elation, we must also accept the risk of a terribly painful loss. That requires making a deliberate choice to live our life in its totality, even when it includes suffering.
Lewis ultimately saw his love for Joy as a gift. Although she was lost to him, the happiness that he had found in loving her fully was not lost from his fond memories. That was his consolation, and his enoblement.
A Buddhist Perspective
The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism state that suffering is an inherent part of life. Its cause is rooted in the desire, craving, or yearning for things to be permanent. Clinging to a notion of permanence is in direct conflict with reality, since all material things are in a constant state of change, decay, and dissolution. Misguided by an illusion of permanence, and wanting things to be other than what they actually are, life will be characterized by the inevitable pain of not getting what we want and losing what we have.
From the Buddhist perspective, suffering can only be ended by letting go of such illusions. This requires a dedication to gaining insightful wisdom, being ethical in one’s conduct, and having the necessary self-discipline to forego all the incessant demands of the ego. The challenging path to freedom from suffering involves mental focus, mindfulness of the present moment, and the recognition and acceptance of the impermanent nature of all things.
A common misconception about Buddhist philosophy is that cultivating non-attachment requires being emotionally cold or uncaring. Non-attachment is actually about letting go of the tendency to hold on tightly to people or things. It does not require avoiding relationships or experiences.
What’s needed is to notice things as they are, rather than how we would like them to be, and understand at the deepest level our being that everything changes. Despite our wishful thinking, nothing stays the same, and we must learn to accept that inconvenient truth. When the inevitable losses occur, so does grief, but prolonged suffering isn’t necessary.
When deeply loving others and cherishing our relationships with them, we must let go of the belief that we will be a permanent part of each other’s lives. Grieving our losses is a natural human response, and we must not repress that grief. By embracing the reality of impermanence, we will be able to acknowledge and accept our grief without allowing it to overpower us. After all, our grief, like all our other feelings, will not be permanent.
Life After Loss
Grief is not an illness that needs a cure. Rather, it is a natural and healthy response to loss. Fortunately, if it doesn’t kill us, there are ways to soften the sharp edges surrounding our pain, enabling our life to regain its meaning, and restoring our vitality more quickly.
The most widely recognized framework for understanding grief is that of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD (aka “EKR”). Five stages of grief were first described in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. Originally developed to describe the emotional journey of terminally ill patients, it has since been applied more broadly to people dealing with any kind of major loss. I had the great privilege of taking a week-long Life, Death, and Transition workshop with EKR. It was a life-changing experience for me.
The premise of the workshop is that we are all carrying a burden of unresolved and unrecognized grief. The pain of many losses have buried and never properly grieved. At the workshop, we were instructed to create a time-line of our lives, detailing even the smallest losses; a misplaced childhood toy, leaving a familiar neighborhood, losing a competitive game, having a falling-out with a friend, the death of a pet, the break-up of a relationship. Some of the people in our group of 70 were parents who had recently lost a child. Others had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. As our stories were shared with an empathetic group, the collective pain became increasingly palpable.
The approach that EKR took to grief work employed a very direct and primal way to express the anger, fear, and sadness that accompanies grief. In the center of the room was a mattress with a pillow and a rubber hose. Elisabeth had a gift for recognizing who needed to do the work next, and would call them to the mattress. There, they would tell their story of loss, then scream, cry, and beat on the pillow, until they reached a state of calm. When I saw what might be in store for me, I desperately wanted to run away from there, but there was no way out.
The very first person to take their place on the mattress was woman who had been raised in an orphanage in Korea. EKR asked her about the cats, and the woman broke down, screaming in anguish, because the cats at the orphanage had been treated better than the children.
At that moment, someone at the back of the room also began screaming. He was carried to the mattress, where he picked up the rubber hose and beat the pillow so hard that it burst open, spewing feathers all over the room. People applauded. It was only then that I realized that I was the person on the mattress. I had been having an “out-of-body” experience.
That was the most emotionally intense work I had ever done, and I felt like I had just shed a hundred pounds of emotional baggage. As it turned out, no amount of “primally processing” my old losses could prepare me for the major ones yet to come, along with the emotional roller-coaster rides that would follow each of them.
EKR’s Five Stages of Grief
Denial – Shock and disbelief, a sense that the loss “can’t be real.”
Anger – Frustration, resentment, outrage, or a sense of unfairness.
Bargaining – Thoughts of “what if” or “if only,” often involving guilt or making imaginary deals.
Depression – Deep sadness, hopelessness, or withdrawal, as the permanence of the loss sinks in.
Acceptance – Reaching a place of peace, where the loss is acknowledged and life can move forward.
These stages are neither linear nor universal. Grief is highly individual, and our culture, personality, and the nature of our losses all shape the process. There is no “right” way to grieve. Some people may not experience every stage, or they might move back and forth between them many times, or perhaps experience some of them simultaneously.
Other Approaches
Alternative models for the tasks of mourning have been proposed, such as processing the pain, letting go of what was then, and accepting that this is now. People are asked to adjust to their new life and new identity without the loved one, and recognize that there is an enduring love connection, despite the loved one’s absence.
Loss is the price of love, but grief does not need to be a life sentence. By accepting reality, allowing the expression of our emotions, leaning on others for support, caring for our body, seeking meaning in life, and practicing compassion for ourselves and others, it is possible to recover more quickly and fully. Our wound may leave a scar, but scars are proof of healing. Grief softens, not by erasing love, but by teaching us to carry it differently, with less as pain, and as more of an unseen presence.
EKR gave us the basis for understanding grief. Later models have expanded upon her concepts and make room for more nuances, cultural influences, and individual differences. Today’s professional approaches to grief recovery are drawn from modern psychology, medicine, and time-tested traditions.
According to psychiatrist William Worden, the first task of grief is to accept that the loss is real. Denial, or efforts to avoid accepting the grim reality, may provide some short-term relief, but they prolong suffering. Practical steps can include talking openly about the loss, rather than avoiding the subject, participating in memorial rituals that help to anchor the loss in reality, and allowing oneself to use the past tense when speaking of the deceased or a terminated relationship. Acceptance does not mean forgetting; it means facing what cannot be changed.
Unexpressed grief has a way of surfacing later as depression, anxiety, or physical illness. Healthy mourning includes giving ourselves permission to fully feel the painful emotions. Psychologists recommend naming what you are feeling without any judgments. Journaling, or writing letters to the departed loved one, can be an effective outlet for those feelings. Non-verbal expressions through art, music, or movement, can help feelings to flow. Suppressing feelings may seem like strength, but expressing them is what frees the heart from its ache.
Practical Suggestions
As human beings, we are wired for connection. Isolation intensifies grief, while companionship buffers it. My advice for those who have lost a loved one is to join a grief support group. It helps to be with others who truly understand our shared experience. Open up emotionally to trusted friends and supportive family members. Also consider professional, one-on-one grief counseling, particularly if you’re feeling stuck, or if grief is overwhelming. Therapy approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Complicated Grief Therapy can help you get past unending painful ruminations and guide you towards healthier coping mechanisms.
Grief is not only emotional; it is also profoundly physical. Fatigue, immune system dysfunction, loss of appetite or compulsive eating, and disrupted sleep patterns are common sequelae. Recovery from grief requires attention to the body’s needs, which include regular exercise, stress reduction, sleep hygiene, good nutrition, and social connection. Attending to your body is not meant as a distraction from grief, but rather as a way to provide you with the stamina to carry on.
Grief recovery can be accelerated when your loss is woven into the larger fabric of your life. Ensuring that life still has meaning provides the strongest antidote to suffering. Don’t try to forget your loved one. Instead, continue to carry your shared values, traditions, and life’s lessons. You might engage in community service, or become involved in creative projects that are inspired by their memory. Exploring spiritual or philosophical perspectives that contextualize death and impermanence can help to transform grief into a source of strength.
There is no timeline for working through normal grief, but most people feel it start to lift in six months to a year. Professionals distinguish between normal grief from complicated grief, which is marked by a persistent yearning, avoidance potential love relationships, or an emotional impairment lasting beyond a year. When grief does not ease with time, professional intervention can help restart the recovery process.
Perhaps the most overlooked step in grief recovery is being kind toward oneself. Don’t self-criticize, thinking that you should be over this by now, or that you aren’t strong enough. Compassionately interrupt these trains of thought by mentally speaking to yourself as you would to a friend who is hurting. Recognize the fact that grief comes in waves, with both good days and hard ones. Recovery is not about forgetting the loss, but rather learning to painlessly live with loving memories.
Summary
1. Accept the reality of your loss, and its enduring nature.
2. Allow yourself full emotional expression of sadness, anger, and fear.
3. If you work through your feelings with a rubber hose and pillow, make sure that it’s not filled with feathers!
4. Recognize that grief is like other emotional states, and this, too, shall pass.
5. If you’ve loved once, you can love again, so be brave when that time comes.
6. Your pain is what makes you human, so embrace it and come through it.
This Post may be updated at any time. Check back here again to find the most up-to-date information on this subject.
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